Am I ready for this?

I think my sons deserve a better father. What I mean is I’m not sure I am the most capable person when it comes to raising children.

The other day, I was getting very annoyed with Jacob over something so simple and he told me “I’m just… I’m just trying to help and you’re being really mean right now.” I felt so bad, and it made me really start thinking about how my children see me and how I am raising them.

I have a difficult time reconciling the fact that I am so faulty and yet I have two raise these boys to become good people.

I guess on the whole nature of man argument I would side more John Locke than Thomas Hobbes. I believe that my sons were born good, maybe even perfect; and it is my fault they fall into certain patterns or make certain decisions. As John Locke once said, “Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” Every statement, every action, every harsh word and loving kiss affects them in a particular way. So what am I doing to them? Will they become good men?

I don’t think I am “ruining” them. But I worry about how they will view me when they are older.

Will they think I was a loving dad?

A fun dad?

Will they be able to trust me?

Will they respect me?

I don’t want them to look back and see me as a demanding or difficult father, but I also don’t want to give them the run of the house. I want them to see me as stern, but fun. Loving and caring, calm and understanding. How can I do all of this, when I still haven’t worked all these things out myself?

I have such great hope for them, but I can’t imagine that I am the best man for the job. Parenting is such an interesting endeavor. We are given infinite responsibility to care for, love, and raise a child and yet given no preparation or experience. It’s like being promoted to the president of the company before you’ve even worked in the mailroom. And, for me, it’s an overwhelming prospect.

I’ve heard people say, “Just love them, and things will be okay.” Really? I’m not sure I agree. Maybe I worry too much, maybe I try to intellectualize and assess too much.

I guess, one of the points of the blog is to have a record of my thoughts and feelings, so my children know that I really did try. And one day, maybe they can read it and know that they were raised by someone that didn’t know what they were doing, but did the best they could.

Well, if that one comment from Jacob made me look at the whole of my parenting skills then I can’t imagine what the future will bring.

But, as John Locke (again) once said, “There is frequently more to be learned from the unexpected questions of a child than the discourses of men. “